After several sad attempts of following the provided instructions and tweaking slightly, I finally figured out how to do it correctly. Here's what you do:
1. If you have a large bag of frozen shredded hash browns, it won't fit in the strainer very well so I grab it by the ends and smash it against the corner of the counter to break in half. Making primal noises while inflicting the damage adds to the satisfying crunch that ensues. Rubber mallets work too but I'm no longer allowed to bring blunt instruments into the house. Long story.
2. Open container. Note: Not with the leaf blower.
3. Put desired amount of frozen shredded happiness (or the entire bag) into the strainer.
4. Here's the most important step (other than cooking) because it defrosts the potatoes and allows you to manipulate them: Gracefully walk over to the sink and wash the taters while stirring it with a butter knife to mix it up. You can use your hands to stir instead but SOME people seem to think that's nasty. You could use other parts of your body too but that's just silly and requires advanced flexibility.
5.While letting the potatoes drain, turn on the stove to medium high heat and pour in a thin layer of oil or melt a stick of butter.
6.When the "lube" is good and hot put in a layer of potatoes about the thickness of a thin crust pizza.
7. Mash it smooth with your spatula. I also like to pull in the edges in to make the outside a perfect circle. Yay OCD!!!!!!!
8. After a minute of cooking, take the spatula and use its edge to etch a line across the middle leaving a troth down the center. Repeat the process but do it through the center of the etched line making it a criss-cross pattern. You should now have four even quadrants that will be easier to flip.
9. Watch the edges of the four sections and wait until it's brown before flipping the sections over. If you want it extremely crispy, wait until it's almost black.
10. Repeat the process of watching for the bottom edge to turn brown or black then remove them from the pan to avoid over cooking.
11. Run a victory lap around the house then wake up any sleeping family member with the leaf blower.
Surprise Ending: Upon cooking the hash browns to desired crispiness, pour cracked eggs and chopped onion all over it then flip the egg side down to cook. When the eggs at the edge start to look like an omelet, throw in tons of shredded cheddar cheese and mix them all up until gooey in the pan. Put everything in a large glass bowl and add your desired amount salsa and sour cream then mix thoroughly. Finally, eat until you explode.
