How to Cook a Baked Gringo

Why is it called a Baked Gringo? It's full of white cheese and mild in spice. Also, it can't dance, play sports, or survive a day in prison. This is one of my all time favorite meals. It's quick, fattening, and gloriously cheesy. I wish I had a picture of the completed dish but it doesn't survive long enough for me to snap a picture. The above picture isn't it (found on RoadFood.com) but the finished product looks very similar.

Ingredients:
* 20 to 24 slices of thinly sliced smoked ham
* 2 pounds of Monterrey Jack (block form)
* 3 small cans of whole green chilies (or fresh roasted and peeled Anaheim chilies)
* 1 package of small flour tortillas (10 to 12 count)
* 3 cups of finely shredded cheddar cheese

Time to Make: 10 to 15 minutes prep with about 30 minutes bake time

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
2. Cut the cheese (my inner child just giggled) blocks into 1/2 to 3/4 inch rectangular slices
3. Open and slice the whole green chiles length wise into 1 to 2 inch slices
4. Take two slices of ham and roll/fold them up so they're only a few inches across and lay them down the center of a tortilla
5. Place a thin line of chilies along the center on top of the ham
6. Top the ham and chilies with one or more slabs of the white cheese
7. Roll the tortilla up into a tube like an enchilada with the ends OPEN (not like a burrito with the ends folded closed)
8. Place the tortilla in a baking pan upside down with the rolled flaps on the bottom so it stays closed
9. Repeat the process until the whole pan is filled with rolled tortilla happiness
10. Evenly spread the shredded cheddar cheese across the top to ensure constipation
11. Place the baking pan in the center rack of your oven until the cheese is melted and your desired level of crispiness is achieved. (Usually 25 to 35 minutes)
12. Eat until you explode

How to Eat a Habanero Chili and Not Burn Your Mouth

Imagine you have a sadistic friend with a gambling problem and said friend bets you $50 to eat a habanero chili without drinking anything after knowing you can't handle hot food. Since that amount of cash can almost buy you small popcorn at the movie theater, you know you have to take him up on it. So, how do you do it without cheating and swallowing it whole?

Here is a simple trick I learned that will let you try extremely hot food without making you curl up in the fetal position and sob uncontrollably.

Disclaimer: This trick only works to avoid mouth pain. Don't blame me for the violent gastrointestinal party that will more than likely ensue. Also, don't let the chili touch your lips and wash your hands before you use the restroom. Trust me. No one wants to see you rubbing ice cream on yourself to extinguish the fire in your nether regions. Just ask my neighbors.

1. Remove the stem of the chili (if it has one) and if it's a large chili break it in half.

2. Slowly move the chili towards the back corner of your mouth against your cheek without it ever touching your tongue or lips.

3. Push the chili into the slot between your teeth and cheek.

4. Slightly tilt your head back (for saliva control) and mulch the chili into a pulp using the outer edge of your teeth while keeping it in the slot. Don't let it get on your tongue!!!!!!!!!!

5. You want to do the mulching fast enough as to not let your saliva overflow and wash the chili juice onto your tongue. You can do small swallows as you go.

6. The goal is to get the chili mulch/juice down the back of your throat without with as little tongue contact as possible. Yes, I know the tongue goes down the throat but the burning pain mainly happens on the portion inside your mouth cavern.

7. Collect your $50

What to do if you fail and burn your mouth: DON'T DRINK WATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Water and other thin liquids will only spread the pain around. Fatty dairy is your friend! Ice cream works best. Milk, ranch or blue cheese dressing, cottage cheese, yogurt, etc will suck up the capsaicin chemical that's causing the pain. If you're lactose intolerant, I've heard Olive Oil will work but I've never tried it.

How to Make Perfectly Crispy Brown Yumminess from Frozen Shredded Hash Browns

After several sad attempts of following the provided instructions and tweaking slightly, I finally figured out how to do it correctly.  Here's what you do:

Tools: Butter knife, strainer, functional sink, non-stick frying pan, spatula, olive oil or butter, frozen hash browns (we use Mr. Dell's because it's only ingredient is potatoes), and a leaf blower (because I like leaf blowers and they're good for dusting the house).

1. If you have a large bag of frozen shredded hash browns, it won't fit in the strainer very well so I grab it by the ends and smash it against the corner of the counter to break in half.  Making primal noises while inflicting the damage adds to the satisfying crunch that ensues.  Rubber mallets work too but I'm no longer allowed to bring blunt instruments into the house.  Long story.

2. Open container.  Note: Not with the leaf blower.

3. Put desired amount of frozen shredded happiness (or the entire bag) into the strainer.

4. Here's the most important step (other than cooking) because it defrosts the potatoes and allows you to manipulate them:  Gracefully walk over to the sink and wash the taters while stirring it with a butter knife to mix it up.  You can use your hands to stir instead but SOME people seem to think that's nasty.  You could use other parts of your body too but that's just silly and requires advanced flexibility. 

5.While letting the potatoes drain, turn on the stove to medium high heat and pour in a thin layer of oil or melt a stick of butter.

6.When the "lube" is good and hot put in a layer of potatoes about the thickness of a thin crust pizza. 

7. Mash it smooth with your spatula. I also like to pull in the edges in to make the outside a perfect circle. Yay OCD!!!!!!!

8. After a minute of cooking, take the spatula and use its edge to etch a line across the middle leaving a troth down the center.  Repeat the process but do it through the center of the etched line making it a criss-cross pattern.  You should now have four even quadrants that will be easier to flip.

9. Watch the edges of the four sections and wait until it's brown before flipping the sections over.  If you want it extremely crispy, wait until it's almost black. 

10. Repeat the process of watching for the bottom edge to turn brown or black then remove them from the pan to avoid over cooking.

11.  Run a victory lap around the house then wake up any sleeping family member with the leaf blower.

Surprise Ending: Upon cooking the hash browns to desired crispiness, pour cracked eggs and chopped onion all over it then flip the egg side down to cook.  When the eggs at the edge start to look like an omelet, throw in tons of shredded cheddar cheese and mix them all up until gooey in the pan.  Put everything in a large glass bowl and add your desired amount salsa and sour cream then mix thoroughly.   Finally, eat until you explode.

How to Program a Toyota HomelinkV Console Button to Open a Garage Door (Because my Owners Manual was Wrong)

After an hour of nearly pulling my hair out following the Toyota owners manual directions, I finally figured out how to do it correctly.  Here's what you do:

1. Prep work: Locate the Learn button on the garage door motor mounted to the ceiling or support beam.  The Learn button always seem to be near or next to the light bulb if it has one.  Grab the garage door remote and choose which HomelinkV button you would like to configure.

2. Push and hold both the HomelinkV button and the garage door remote button at the same time until the Home icon starts to blink. 

3. Let go of both and quickly push only the HomelinkV again until the lights under the Home icon blink fast.

4. Immediately get out of your vehicle and push the Learn button on the garage door motor.  I believe you have up to 30 seconds so don't kill yourself rushing over to it.  I nearly did but that's because I'm a klutz. Luckily the ground broke my fall.

5. Go back to your vehicle and push the HomelinkV button 2 times slowly and then the overhead motor light should blink twice. 

6. It should work now.  If not, mutter copious amounts of profanity and repeat steps 1 through 5.

How to Safely Shop or Bank Online on an Infected or Untrusted Networked Computer

Disclaimer: There is no such thing as a safe computer.  The goal is to minimize the threat by practicing safe computing techniques. Trust no one online.  Especially me because I like M. Night Shyamalan movies.  Yes it's true.  Deal with it.  That said, the following process will NOT protect you from a machine that has a hardware keylogger installed. Hardware keyloggers capture and save all keystrokes for later viewing and store them in the device.  Though they aren't common, I figured I'd mention them since they are an easy way for someone to harvest username/password combinations. Also note that this process works best if you do steps 1 and 2 ahead of time on a known safe computer.  If you did, then start on step 3.

1. Go to http://www.ubuntu.com/download/ubuntu/download

2. Follow the directions of step 1 and 2 on the page for downloading and installing Ubuntu to a CD or USB stick.

3. If you are using the Ubuntu CD, place it in the optical drive (CD, DVD, Blue Ray, etc).

4. Power off the computer.  If you are using the Ubuntu USB stick connect it to the computer as soon as the system goes quiet.

5. Wait 30 seconds and then power on the computer again.  Why?  Because some viruses or keyloggers stay active in memory and need electricity to stay present. Waiting that long should be enough time to let it dissipate.

6. If the computer doesn't ask you if you'd like to boot to the CD disk or USB stick, then power off your system and follow Ubuntu's Booting from CD guide found at https://help.ubuntu.com/community/BootFromCD

7. Once the Ubuntu operating system has finished booting, launch the web browser (Firefox, Chrome, etc)

8. It's better to do this at home where you know the network but if you're stuck on an untrusted network ensure all websites have an HTTPS in the top URL bar (like https://mail.google.com/mail/?shva=1#inbox) before entering any confidential or financial data into a website. Also don't trust any website that your browser claims is using an unsigned certificate.